Taking This Advice Might Help Allergies But May Harm The Family Unit

So I'm reading through my regular morning news sources and find this report on allergies.  Living in a household filled with hacking, sneezing, and coughing, I decide to click on the link and see what this allergy doctor has to say since we are eating allergy pills like Chiclets around here, and I'm pretty sure that can't be good for you long term.

The allergist talks about all the things I already know, offering a little primer about springtime and flowers and pollen and the whole cycle of life filled with little tidbits of useful information.  See that cloud around the juniper bush?  That's pollen.  Don't walk through it.  Believe me, mud puddles hold far more allure than yellow clouds hanging over a juniper bush.

I read on.

1. Keep the windows closed, especially when windy.  I can do that.

2. Change air filters regularly. Hmmm.  Do they mean the one above the stove or the one in the garage vacuum system? Oh, maybe they mean the ones I bought for the kids to wear on their walk to school.  Yeah, that didn't work out so well.

3. Wash your hair after coming indoors.  Who's sponsoring this story, I wonder.  Procter and Gamble?  I picture my day following this little tidbit of advice.

6 AM: I walk out to get the paper.  I come inside and wash my hair instead of sitting down to read the paper with my first cup of coffee.  I make the kids late for school because I'm busy blow drying my hair instead of getting them out the door.

8 AM: I let the dog out to go to the bathroom and follow her to make sure she isn't helping to fertilize my fledgling garden plans.  I come back in and wash my hair.  I am late to a business appointment, but at least I don't have pollen in my hair.

11 AM: I get back from my business meeting.  I wash my hair.  I don't have time to put on a load of laundry but at least I still have time to get groceries.  Then I realize this means washing my hair, so I decide Cheerios and leftover meatloaf will make a fine dinner for the family.

2 PM: I pick up the kiddo at the bus stop.  I think about letting him walk home alone, but figure that if this is the day that some freak is out there at the bus stop, I'd better be out there to get my kid home safely.  He asks to play with a friend, but this means another trip to pick him up.  I tell him no, that he can just play violent video games instead.  While he plays Halo, I go wash my hair.  Again.

4 PM: I realize I haven't put an important business letter in the mail.  I hurry out to catch the mailman.  My hair is still wet.  Do I really have to wash it again?  I picture all that pollen landing on my wet hair and rush for the shower and my half-empty bottle of shampoo.

7 PM: My kid remembers that he needs to make a poster for school.  I try to talk him into using half of an empty computer box, but he thinks the teacher will give him a bad grade.  I weigh which is worse - waging war with a teacher to get a better grade or washing my hair yet again.  We head to the store and come home with a fancy poster board.  My kid works on his project while I go wash my hair, squeezing out the last drops of the shampoo bottle.

And then it hits me.  I cannot leave my house again.  I am out of shampoo.  


4. Do not bring clothing that has been outside into the bedroom.  I picture how this would work with our bedroom right off the kitchen.

"Excuse me, kids.  Don't look now but Mom is going to strip down naked right here in the hallway so I don't have itchy eyes tonight." 

Oh, yeah.  I'm thinking CYFD would be out here in no time to deal with that little situation.

I sigh and decide that as well-meaning as this allergist's advice might be, I think I'll pass.  It's better this way.  Really.